Rating: 2.3 *
(*Truthfully, this would have been rating a 1.3 if not for the delightful and hilarious scene in which a sunbathing Eric reads a book on lounge chair atop a snowy mountain)
I think that we should all band together and force the writers of True Blood to take a “Plot 101” course at their local community college, because that shit was cray. I’m sorry; I can’t be eloquent. Not tonight. Not for True Blood.
Tonight proved my worst fears: the writers have officially jumped on the “whatever we can write to create exciting visual moments” bandwagon, because any and all cohesive thought processes have been deferred to lack of reasoning.
Like most of my True Blood reviews, I will need to break this down by character and plot, because trying to review a disjointed story arc is as tedious as trying to figure out what the hell is going on while you’re watching it. I will attempt to start with the good stories and—like the rest of the episode—digress into the terrible plot holes left for the viewers to wade through in the finale.
1. Eric sunbathing
First of all, I always applaud premium cable shows for showing any frontal male nudity, because “nudity” on these programs usually just means “boobs”. I don’t know that I have ever seen full-frontal nudity of a major male protagonist in a series, so I am also applauding the series for this reason also. Second of all, Eric was put in immediate danger but not seen actually turning to goo, so I know that he will remain at least somewhat in tact for the seventh season. I love the idea of Eric’s “me-time” being sunbathing in the snowy mountains while reading a book. This was over-all fantastic, albeit a little bit terrifying for Eric lovers such as myself.
2. Warlow’s dead
It was sort of jarring that Warlow, the character we spent an entire season running from with Sookie, became a sexy times character on a whim. It was also jarring that we spent literally half of a season inside of a magic faerie cemetery land with him being tied up, somehow unable to break free from the tombstone he had been “chained” to with faerie light. So when the possibility for everything to work out with Warlow continually presented itself, I became more and more irate. Fortunately, the True Blood writing team realized the goofiness that was Nice Warlow™ needed to end and he proved himself to be the monster that killed Claude, my bff faerie of all time. Now that Warlow’s dead and we can finally move on from that horrendous plot.
3. Andy and Jason team up again!
There is absolutely nothing that I love more than Andy and Jason teaming up when it comes to True Blood. Chris Bauer and Ryan Kwanten just have amazing teaming-up chemistry. There’s nothing quite as entertaining as these two weak, dumb humans trying to save the day… and usually they succeed.
4. Jessica reaches out to Andy
Jessica may never be able to redeem herself for killing Andy’s girls, but at least she’s trying. This is all within the realistic scope of her character, and I’d honestly be pissed if she didn’t at least try.
5. Lettie Mae feeds Tara
I know I might be alone in liking this, but Lettie Mae has been on a path of redemption for a short while now, and if she didn’t do something nice for Tara I don’t know if that would have been believable. As someone who loved and empathized for Tara during her early series spats with her mother, I always wanted to see these two makeup, or for Tara to get her revenge. So, to my mind, this could have only gone two ways: Lettie Me accepts her daughter’s new vampire state or Tara attempts to or succeeds at killing her mother for some egregious betrayal. While I could have never anticipated that the former would have been in the “Let me feed you” Oedipal weirdness, I’m glad that it happened and I found myself greatly enjoying this scene.
6. Billith is no more
No one is more thrilled than I that my least favorite character of all time has completely lost his super powers. Also, I’m glad that he appears to have at least minimal emotional caring for those around him, because I’m-a-god-so-I-get-to-do-what I-want-Bill was not jiving with me.
I don’t know her, but she’s been consistently very dominating in a very kinky/BDSM way with Jason. This allows a seemingly retired element of True Blood to get more screen time, and I dig it. It’s totally creepy, but I love that the older the vampires are the kinkier they are. That being said, I’m on the fence with Violet. Just because we killed off really lovely characters does not mean that we need to introduce more. Thank you.
8. Sam Merlotte, Mayor of Bon Temps
Nope, not down with this. I’m pretty sure that most of the people of Bon Temps have progressively started to dislike our dear Sam, and his totally disappointing season of rebounding-so-hard-he-gets-a-girl-pregnant should not be “redeemed” with the gift of Mayor. Nope nope nope.
9. Boardwalk Empire and True Blood briefly do a cross-over
Seriously… that entire scene at the beginning where the vampers are dancing to 20s music. I can’t do it. I really, truly can’t. Plus, they made a Target run. Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
10. Adeline helps the vampires
Nope. I know you’re only 2 weeks old, but every adult near you needed to say, “Hey, remember when you almost died while your sisters were massacred? Yeah, just think about that,” and she should have PTSD’d into the biggest “nope nope nope” of all time.
11. I guess Terry’s after-funeral party just didn’t happen
Jason and Violet immediately went to the Bellefleur’s—with Jason’s complete lack of knowledge regarding the death of Terry—and they’re just sitting around with their PJs on. Also, Holly—Andy’s ex-girlfriend—is there. She got over that whole “you cheated on me and made faerie babies” thing really fast, didn’t she?
12. Sookie apparently knows where Jason has been for four episodes (also, Sooks gets a prolonged kiss from Violet)
…Hasn’t Sooks been in the faerie cemetery for almost half of the season? Didn’t she only come out to get dressed for her own funeral, only to not be killed and instead go to Terry’s funeral? Didn’t she leave a message for Jason in the last episode saying, “hey, where are you? Bee tee dubs, something terrible happened.” So, when Sooks says, “I’m so glad you’re okay”—what exactly does she mean? She definitely doesn’t know that the vampires have been in a vampire concentration camp, she certainly has no idea about Sarah Newlin, and she cannot possibly know that Jason was very fortunately made Violet’s when tossed bleeding into a pit of hungry vamps. If I were EVER to use SMH*, it would be right about now.
(SMH* = shaking my head)
13. Niall apparently lives with neither Jason nor Sooks after he saves her life
Niall arrived just in the nick of time with absolutely no explanation and then is not seen again. Where is the Director’s Cut of this episode? Does anything make sense in that one? Seriously, where’s Niall? Granddaddy faerie deserves better than this!
14. Lafayette does not speak one single line
Enough said. I could have rated this episode significantly higher of Lala hadn’t lost the ability to speak.
15. Merlotte’s is now Bellefleur’s
Why would Arlene want to own and run a business at the location in which the love of her life was shot dead? Nope. Nope, nope nope.
16. Alcide is apparently forgiven for all of his sins
Nope, the pack didn’t hunt him down. Nope, he isn’t at odds with Sam Merlotte. Nope, Nicole isn’t terrified of him. Nope, his haircut doesn’t fix a season of him being the most annoying character on True Blood. I don’t mind Alcide and Sooks getting together, I actually rather like how the episode transitions with her ability to tell him “hey, I can take care of myself” at the episode open and then have her be subservient to him in the episode end, but I can’t say that it makes a lick of sense. I just… I can’t with Alcide. He has been a roller coaster of dumb for 10 whole episodes; the endearing wolf with a heart of gold has long been dead to me.
All in all, this is absolutely the most inconsistent writing that I have ever seen on television, and the complete disregard for the characterization of the residents of the True Blood universe, which have been built up over the course of the first 4 seasons (let’s face it, these problems started in season 5), is absolutely disgusting. The entire writing staff ought to be fired (except for the lovely and perfect Alexander Woo) and we should start fresh for season 7. I’m half considering sending my resume to them, because even as a freshman script writer, I can pretty safely say that my comprehension of these characters and where the hell they are in their lives is above and beyond the entire writing staff of seasons 5 and 6.
It’s been one crazy season, and I for one am ecstatic that it’s over.
Thanks for nothing, True Blood.