True Blood – Season 5, Episode 6 “Hopeless” Review

Rating: 9.2.

Good afternoon my fellow Fangbangers. Last night I once again found myself sipping on a pomegranate Gin & Tonic while being buried alive by far too many plot lines… but this time I enjoyed it.

True Blood is only getting better this season, and the rocky start seems worth the synthetic blood and tears given what awe we’ve been faced with in the last two episodes.

Let’s start at the top: I’m really sad that Doug is dead. His whimpers really made the last episode shine, and I think that he is one of the only characters to really be honest this season. Sure, he only lasted a total of ten minutes in the series, but darn tootin’, he deserved a better lot. What was great about Doug—which is what I also believe to be true of Hoyt—is that he reacted exactly as someone ought to given his current situation. Doug was terrified of vampires and desperately wanted to be glamoured once he learned of that option. Oh well, the Authority is evil and they’re going to ruin everything for us this season, especially Doug.

Hoyt, Tara, Jessica, and Pam had one of the most delightful and simultaneously emotionally gripping plots for this episode. Baby vampire Tara is officially annoying: One of the things she hated most about vampires was the way in which they victimized humans, and her first hand experience with being held captive and forcibly fed on should have come through when she was over-feeding herself on Hoyt’s blood. Queue Jessica to save the day, only to have Hoyt make those sad eyes at her again, and we’ve got us some vamper drama. I’m really feeling for Hoyt now, and I whimpered just like Doug when those supernatural-haters pulled him into their kidnapper-van. I suspect the kidnappers in Obama-face are Hoyt’s clever friends from Merlotte’s—you know the ones who astutely chided at Jason, calling him a girlfriend f—-er. Smart ones, those boys are.

Oh! Also: I was wrong; Jessica’s still alive… for now.

I’m waiting for Pam to be a better maker. I had high hopes for a couple of episodes, but now she’s very clearly putting on her tough-as-nails-and-not-affected-by-Eric-leaving-her-face. I would rather see her bond with Tara and try to reinvent the lovely maker-progeny relationship she’d had with Eric rather than systematically destroy any of Tara’s sense of self. Vampire Politics: beyond the comprehension of any mere mortal. I concede: I’m just not following Pam’s logic.

The True Death was given to the one vampire authority that I was rooting for this season: Roman, The Guardian. Unfortunately, that means that Nora is still alive. However, she has finally annoyed Eric with her true sanguinist leanings. Good, that bridge can stay burned. Join me in a prayer to Lilith, everyone: kill off Nora. Anyway, Russell Edgington is back to boost ratings and I could not be more thrilled. Russell is the truest of villains, and, despite his depressing decision to kill off Roman, I’m glad that the bad guy is back in town. I’m looking forward to his massacre.

I lost interest in Lafayette last night. I really want to be cheering for him, but Lala’s plot is moving at a much slower pace than the rest of the series. I started to feel drained when he visited his mother, although I’m thrilled that she’s back. I’m scared to see what will happen if Lafayette goes back to Mexico, but I know that it’s the only way Jesus will have a free soul. Gah, this is going to become religious and scary. I prefer monsters to magic. I’ll admit it: possession, ghosts, and the dead really mess with my head. Monsters I can deal with: they can be seen and I can fight them (theoretically… I’m tiny and weak, but resourceful!), but I don’t like things that I can’t see. It makes me nervous. So stop it, True Blood. You’re making me nervous.

Moving right along: Luna’s okay, Emma is staying with Martha (a character whom is growing on me), and Sam killed someone in this episode. Again. He sure does the killing thing a lot more often than I’m comfortable with. It’s okay, though. He was protecting Andy from a psychotic supernatural hater. Poor Andy, he’s just getting a taste of the weird. I’m glad that creepy guy is dead, however. He was like Marcus: creepy, greasy hair, and bug-eyed. Those types of characters just don’t get to live in Renard Perish because they’re not pretty, and everyone on True Blood is pretty. Yes, even Andy and Mrs. Thortenberry.

Speaking of pretty: Yay! Claude’s stripper club! Excuse me while I geek out for a moment: Claude and Claudine were my two favorite characters in the book series, and I’m just tickled to see Claude’s nightclub come to life. I wasn’t sure that’s what the show was going for at first, but when the adorable little Claude showed up to hug Sookie awkwardly, I knew I was in the right place.

I’m glad that Hadley, Hunter, and all of Sook’s faerie kin are in the ringer now, because she and Jason sure are going to need some protection from the big bad this season. The Stackhouse parental death was a truly unfortunate flashback, but I’m sure that we’re going to find out that some vampire that we’ve already been introduced to was the one who did the deed. I don’t mind this whatsoever because I love angry Sookie, and boy has she been angry this season, if not also terribly sad.

Terry Bellefleur once again made me cry. “You made me do something evil, sergeant,” was probably one of the most poignant pieces of war-related dialogue that I have ever heard. We often have stories of former military men and their trauma in television and film, and we often understand that they feel irreconcilable guilt for the egregious and barbaric duties they are forced to follow-through with on a day-to-day basis. There is no worse job in the world. I think that Terry is the war veteran that I have always wanted to see on screen, though. For five seasons we have loved and cherished his truly wacky antics, and his war trauma has always been a point of observation for the show, not a discussion. He was another stereotype wrapped in a cliché blanket. His terror and anxiety, his utter and complete need to jump out of the car because he could no longer bear to be in the presence of the man who ordered him to kill a woman in cold blood, followed by his tears and decree: “You made me do something evil,” well… Terry, you’ve won me over again. I’m in your court, and your previously horrendous plot line has paid off.

I doubt Arlene feels the same way, but she’s a fighter. She’ll get Terry back because she loves him, and despite their weirdness, this is the only couple I’m really rooting for.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. I’m also rooting for Alcide and Sookie. I know that Alcide will have to become un-glamoured in order for that to happen, but gorramit they were so cute! I’m not sure that the show will invest enough time in their pairing for that to become a reality, so I’ll just keep on rooting over here silently in the corner with my “Team Alcide” poster and foamy werewolf thumbs-up glove. “Gooooooooo, Alcide!”

I don’t really blame Eric for glamouring him. Eric’s in love, and so is Bill, and so is Alcide, and Sam once was, too… Oh, Sookie. Why are you so delicious? Oh, right. Faerie blood.

Getting back on track, I maintain that Bro-Time with Bill and Eric has been canceled as a series, but I guess their reunion episode happened last night. That’s okay; everyone needs time to heal after a separation. Bill and Eric are clearly playing to live, but I’m glad that their true colors are shining: Bill is an awful brown noser and Eric maintains awesome-hood, especially when he had the iStake removed. The scenes leading up to Roman’s death might have been some of the best television I’ve ever seen, especially the whole part where Roman wore a sky-blue Nike polo and white gym shoes. Oh, and the part where he served them Austrian blood from the 18th Century. Oh, and that face he made when Eric admitted that Nora’s his sister. All of it: pure gold. Thank you, HBO, for the hilarity that was Christopher Meloni, a behemoth of a man, acting like a vampire in a vampire country club. Now that’s entertainment.

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