So there I was, alone in my room, on my third gin & tonic, watching True Blood and crying my eyes out… Well, most of that was true. The fact of the matter is I watch this show with my little sister and our friends, but the gin and tonic comment still stands. I cried for ten minutes. No joke.
This week on True Blood: yet another insanely beautiful woman was (probably) killed off and I fell in love with the show all over again. I’m True Blood’s most enthusiastic little fangbanger right now, and I know it.
Let’s start at the top: The episode starts on Alcide’s butt. Thank you, thank you very much. Who cares that I’ve seen Magic Mike twice? Joe Manganiello is beautiful and we should do this more often. Cheers!
Moving on. The more of Sookie and Alcide that I see, the more I like this pairing. You may recall how I had been a little bit disturbed last week, but I’ve mostly calmed down. I think that these two are adorable, even though they never got to finish what they started. I hope that the writers take a moment to evaluate this pairing, because Alcide is clearly the winner. Sookie lost her lunch all over Alcide’s shoes and he didn’t even seem to care. That’s commitment.
Queue Bill and Eric. I think that we’re finally seeing an end to the short-lived spinoff Bro-Time with Bill and Eric. C’mon, bros, why are you fighting? Oh! That’s right! You hate each other and always have! Bill finally remembered that he’s a terribly judgmental character and Eric remembered how annoying Bill could be. I’m glad that you crazy kids had fun, but I agree with Bill: Nora should be dead. (I know, I know, that’s not exactlywhat he said, but that’s all that I heard).
In the series finale of Bro-Time with Bill and Eric we had the pleasure of becoming reacquainted with Doug again. You remember Doug, don’t you? The totally forgettable, pudgy guy who helped Alcide, Eric, and Bill bury Russell Edgington alive? Oh, you don’t remember the character that had less than 5 minutes of total screen time a season and a half ago? Me neither. Thank you for the recap at the beginning of the episode, though. Poor Doug. He probably sold this episode for me with all of his whimpering. His plight was heart breaking, and going through his flashbacks was one of the many examples of True Blood putting on their horror-movie pants. This episode was scary all around, and I love me some horror.
Speaking of horror. Yikes! Lafayette: Jesus’s head is on your table. HIS HEAD IS ON YOUR TABLE! Not just that, he’s trying to talk to you through his sewn-up lips. SEWN UP LIPS! Not just that, Lafayette’s mother is back and she also sees the disembodied, active head of her son’s deceased lover. I’m glad to know that this character will get more airtime, but what a way to bring her back. I just want to hold Lafayette’s hand. He really deserves a little bit of a break. Jesus died, what, three days ago? Can he not simply rest in peace for, like, a week?
On to more horror: Whew, Terry did not kill anyone out of cold blood. He did, however, obey orders to kill an innocent woman. I’m torn. I mostly think that killing, even as an act of war is always wrong. Perhaps I should edit this to say that I believe it is especially wrong under these circumstances, even more so when the phrase, “I was just following orders” can be used. That’s when you get into genocide, and genocide is wrong. Do we all agree that genocide is wrong? Good, okay. Moving on: Terry reluctantly killed an innocent woman under Patrick’s orders. All right, I already detested this Patrick character and now that hatred is completely confirmed. So, this innocent woman—like all innocent women who are about to be murdered in True Blood—curses those who killed her and those around her. She has cursed them to be hunted and killed by an Afrit, which, like the soldier who told Terry and Patrick about it, the writers of True Blood must have Googled. Oh, Lawdy was Google used for this season. (Stop being lazy writers and try writing something original!) The Afrit is a horrific idea, but the execution was clearly the smallest part of this week’s budget. That computer-generated demon was exactly what my friend exclaimed that it would be: “I really want this monster to be scary, but it’s just going to be some smoke with some eyes, isn’t it?” Yes, low-budget scene is low-budgety.
Oh! Speaking of low budgets! Hoyt’s Hot Topic outfit is back! I am sincerely in love with how annoying his character has become because he appears to be the only person in the show who experiences heartbreak. Everyone else has licked his or her wounds in literally days only to move on to someone else or act completely unaffected by their former paramour, but Hoyt is genuinely experiencing loss. He’s trying to fill the void that was once known as Jessica by seeking out other vamps, and he’s becoming sour. This is what people look like after an important break up! They go and find whomever they can to fill the empty void, and they lose themselves for a while. I believe in you, Hoyt.
Unfortunately, Tara doesn’t seem to have the same respect for Hoyt that I do. Honestly, why would she feed on her friend? Hoyt’s never been someone she was genuinely connected to, but he should be more than just food. She also owed Jessica a little bit more than to just go and get all fangy with Jessica’s ex. I was really excited about Jessica and Tara becoming girlfriends, but clearly we’re moving from one important baby vampire to another. I should explain myself: that whole speech that Jessica gave Tara, the one about living forever and never growing old is the signifier that she’ll be dead next week. I will start mourning now.
Now on to why I started crying: Luna is likely dead, and Sam may very well be out of commission for the rest of the season. I think that he’s seen everyone he loves die, and I think that the man deserves some happiness. Can we just cut him a break? I believe that it’s fair to say that in the True Blood timeline Sam’s parents and brother, Tommy, died less than two months ago. I couldn’t stand to watch those supernatural haters gun down the dysfunctional shaper couple, and the tears went from droplets to streams when Emma shifted into a wolf cub and ran away. I actually really liked Luna and thought that she was an excellent character all around, even if her lines and delivery were a little bit questionable from time to time. She will be missed.
Finally, I’d like to send off one more prediction into the Interwebs: Salome is clearly the chancellor in the Authority who set Russell Edgington free, I have absolutely no doubts about that. I would like to wager that perhaps the most of if not the entire Authority, save The Guardian, is likely Sanguinista. The Guardian clearly feels that mainstreaming is what is best for the vampires, and his poignant and well-montaged monologue exemplifies the vampire plight in a human world. Salome, Nora and others seem to believe that the humans are cattle who should be bred as food rather than cohabitation, and they’ve set Russell Edgington free so that he may the vessel that starts their holy war. The casualties of that war are already building up, and I fear the worst for our beloved characters.
Until next time.
As an aside: One of the reasons that I cried for so long was that I very strangely identified with Luna. You see, I play Dungeons and Dragons, and my shape-shifting character has a shape-shifting daughter. This very week I almost lost her because she didn’t shift soon enough to escape the sneak attack of a very skilled rogue. Fortunately, I had a spell that forced her to shift into a coyote pup and all was saved. I cried then, too.
As a second aside: did anyone else think that there were a million Buffy and Angel references in this week’s episode? Okay, I’m sorry. Not a million, three or four. Let me know if you spotted them!