I couldn’t be more thrilled. Thank you, True Blood, for giving us an episode that we fans deserve. Of course we’re going to follow you to the grave of awful television writing (where season four of Battlestar Galactica and every episode of Once Upon a Time reside), but much like our fangtastic vampire friends, we’ll rise from the grave every Sunday night to see what crazy antics you’ve come up with this week.
Let’s start at the top: Pam is starting to see the joys in makerhood. She now has her very own little vampling to come at her beck and call, and more importantly, she gets to use the time-honored phrase: “As your maker, I command you.” It’s clear that Pam enjoys telling Tara what to do, but more importantly, it’s clear that Pam is starting to feel the natural bond between a maker and their progeny.
Tara was never Pam’s favorite human being, and it’s pretty clear that Pam may have once hated her, but she is finally allowing Tara into the fold. Sure, her vampire progeny wants to sleep all night and starve herself to the True Death, but what bratty new vampire doesn’t? Let’s not forget how obnoxious baby vampire Jessica was. It’s hard becoming a vampire in a world where the humans know that vampires exist because, for the first time in vampire history, you are allowed to maintain the same relationships you would have as a human. Tara may not even consider maintaining said relationships given the awful hand that she’s been dealt. The most poignant piece of dialogue to come of this plot was certainly Pam’s way of cooing baby vampire Tara into drinking from some random fangbanger, “This is where you belong now. You’re at the top of the chain. No human can hurt you any longer. They’re yours to savor.” Chilling, no?
Speaking of makerhood, Pam and Eric made me cry. Seriously, I could not have felt sadder for these two. I was thrilled to see their intimacy, and I’m terrified that we may never have the opportunity to see it again. I know that Eric’s act of releasing Pam was the right choice, because, honestly, how are Eric and Bill going to get out of this unscathed? True Blood may have a hard time killing off protagonists, but I wouldn’t put it past the show to give Jessica or Pam the True Death in order to move the plot. At least Eric is trying to protect Pam; Bill seems to just be disapproving of the quality of marijuana that Jessica consumes.
Jessica and Bill had a nice moment, too, but I’m kind of getting tired of Bill’s new cool attitude. He was incredibly romantic in the first two seasons, and while I don’t care for him in the books, he has always been a heartthrob treat in the show. Unfortunately, his break-up with Sookie seems to have hardened him excessively. I’m over it, Bill. Why aren’t you?
Incidentally, it’s another episode of Bro Time With Bill and Eric. We are now made fully aware of how much trouble these two crazy kids are in and Sookie’s “super-snatch” might not be able to save them this time around. They get a cool new car and get their leather jackets are back. Bill finally becomes friends with Tara, and Eric screams a lot at Pam. These guys are such bros. Oh yeah, they’re also ridiculously jealous. Did anyone else feel gross while they were watching Alcide and Sookie mack on one another? That was just uncomfortable voyeurism, especially since it was followed up with Bill’s decree: They’re just going to force Sookie to do their bidding. Cool story, bro.
I’m so glad to have seen Sookie drunk. This was a good decision on all counts. More importantly, it was an excellent decision for Sookie to sing along to Escape (the Pina Colada song) with her own vampire-themed lyrics. Thank you, True Blood, for delivering dramedy gold. We so rarely get to laugh at anything in this show, but this season is really starting to deliver on the quips. I’m excited to finally laugh between the bits of anger and sadness that this show seethes into my brainpan.
Anyway, Alcide lied to the Pelts about how Debbie died (good for you, Alcide) and came over to tell Sookie instead of calling ahead, or seeing her at work. This puppy wants a reward of some kind, and lucky enough for him, Sookie is looking to find solace. Sookie’s already drunk, Alcide is the bearer of good news, he’s handsome, and he’s infatuated with her at best. Solace found.
By the way, Sookie and Alcide hooked up! Yay! I mean, nay! I mean… I’m so confused! Please, someone—anyone—tell me how to feel about this. So… Alcide is in love with Sookie? Wait… Sookie thinks that Alcide is in love with her, so she gets him drunk to find out? No, Sookie just wants to show Alcide how grateful she is that he lied about Debbie’s death? No, I think… Um, does anyone understand this at all?
I don’t like the implications of Sookie’s drunken decision, but I’m mostly glad to see these two get together. They both deserve better in the love department. The question is whether or not they’d really be better, though. Sookie has had her love-life cut out for her, going from one controlling and manipulative boyfriend to a 5-year-old in a 1,000-year-old Viking’s body. She doesn’t really know how to pick ‘em. I’m not sure an angry alpha wolf is much better. Look at those puppy eyes, though. How could she resist?
By the way, Alcide smells like Aqua Velva. I approve of this.
We learned about an unknown Apple short key in this episode: there appears to be a vampire torture button somewhere on my keyboard. I’ll let you know when I find it. We also revisited the “Kill Bro Time with Bill and Eric” app for the iPhone. (I love vampire technology.) Roman seems to love Apple products and clearly wants to encourage all vampires to be technological hipsters, or, you know, product placement just happened to be very heavy in this episode.
Roman and Salome begin where they left off: Naked and in bed. Nora gave up the other Sanguinista, who happened to be Drew, the child-like vampire. Clearly True Blood wanted to do something about their ratings, or how much they were being talked about in Entertainment Weekly, or something, because there really was no other reason to have the large-and-in-charge Roman kill a child on screen. C’mon, Christopher Meloni! I’m used to you saving little kids on SVU, not raging in their blood. I disapprove, True Blood.
Also, the stake that Roman has been waving around is the bough that Judas hung himself from and dropped the 30 silver pieces of blood money. Because True Blood wants Christians to be the only people who understand anything about the Authority. Does anyone else see the resemblance to Dracula 2000? Anyone?
I’m running out of space, so allow me summarize the unnecessary plot lines in this weeks episode:
Lafayette made Sookie’s car into a demon. He used the phrase, “Santa el Muerta”. Props to True Blood for giving no fraks about dialogue translation.
We finally got to see what made Terry full of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I love Terry, but this was the bearer of bad news riding in on a drug-hazed Middle Eastern massacre pony. I will promptly forget about Terry and his unfortunate bout with drug-induced murder on a massive scale. I love you, Terry.
Sam’s shifter friends came to Merlotte’s, begging him to come and talk to them. They were promptly shot in the head by an unknown assailant. Oh, True Blood.
Jessica glamours Andy into forgetting about Debbie Pelt.
Jason, Judge Clemens, and Andy went on a crazy ride to fairy-land where Andy’s former fairy lover and Hadley, Queen Sophie-Anne’s fangbanger and cousin to Jason and Sookie, are working. Hadley says too much about the death of Jason’s parents, Jason chases her, and he and Andy are thrown out of magical sex land only to be promptly hit by some magical fairy light.
Debbie Pelt’s mother looks just like Sam’s mother. I know that’s not important to the plot, but it needed to be said.
And finally, why isn’t Nora dead yet? Can she please be dead now? Please?
Until next time.