Since watching ‘Big Brother’ for the very first time last week, I’ve learned two horrible things:
1) This show airs THREE TIMES a week, AND has a 24/7 live feed available online. WHAT?! Look, if you think I’m devoting three hours every week to watching this show – much less recapping it – you are SADLY mistaken. I’ll be watching once, for one hour, every Wednesday. That’s all you’re getting out of me, CBS. Get your claws out of my free time!
2) Turns out, a good number of houseguests this season are REALLY RACIST! It’s been widely reported by people watching the live feeds that there’s all sorts of crazy racist, sexist, and homophobic talk going on behind closed doors. Hey, if I’m on a show where the premise is literally that I’m being watched 24/7 in real-time, you know what I’m NOT doing? TROTTING OUT THE N-WORD IN THE VERY FIRST WEEK. THAT’S WHAT I’M NOT DOING. Apparently Ginamarie and Aaryn didn’t get the memo, and as we learned today, both have been fired from their real-life jobs for their behavior.
Anyway, let’s get to the recap of tonight’s Big Brother, the feel bad show of the summer!
-This episode is going to start with some kind of an apology, right? It has to. People said AWFUL things on a live webcast. And…NOPE. Julie Chen nebulously states “people are starting to show their true colors!” and then we move on as if nothing happened. Alright then.
-Recap time! As mentioned, I haven’t watched a single minute of anything Big Brother-related since last Wednesday, so my head is spinning. Apparently there’s a super alliance called “Moving Company” that’s taken over the game. Elissa, on the strength of her familial connections, is named MVP, and stupidly tells Head of Household McCrae. McCrae, Lady MacBeth’d by his ever-scheming BFF Nick, suggests to Elissa that she nominate David. Then McCrae promptly vetoes Candice off the block and replaces her with a shellshocked Elissa. I never saw Rachel play, but I suspect she was a little more savvy than her sister. On the plus side, Elissa’s doe-eyed confusion makes me like her for the first time!
-Julie welcomes everyone and uses the term “showmance”, which I’ve never heard but now instantly loathe. More like a PortmanDON’T (that’s a “portmanteau” joke oh never mind just keep reading).
-We’re now treated to a clip from the week, which Julie introduces as “Romance and a bottle of wine divide the house”. Sounds like a ‘Game of Thrones’ episode. A devastated and introspective Elissa concludes that the answer to her problems is to be MORE open, because that plan worked so well with McCrae. She admits to everyone that she’s Rachel’s sister, which is greeted with acceptance from a house of people that had already figured it out. Cool secret-keeping, Elissa. Jeremy, looking to get into Kaitlin’s pants, resorts to the rarely-used Hulk Hogan shirt rip, destroying his button-up shirt in the process. Kaitlin laughs at him. Next scene: they are in a hammock together. The lesson, as always: girls on reality shows LOVE douchebags. Kaitlin celebrates later by attempting to playfully ninja kick Jeremy and injuring her foot. Good.
-Elissa, Judd, and Helen are the have-nots, and spend their nights lamenting their lowly status. It’s almost like they are second class citizens, right Aaryn and Ginamarie? Anyway. The house has a bottle of red wine, and Spencer suggests they wait until the have-nots are back to pop the cork. But that simply won’t do for she-devil Aaryn, who insists that a more-than-willing Jeremy steal the wine so they, along with David and Kaitlin, can drink it all by themselves. This goes exactly as planned, and when the clock strikes midnight, the rest of the houseguests are confused over the missing wine bottle. Aaryn takes one look at them, immediately concludes that they are all “two faced” and that she’s “sick and tired” of them. WELL THEN! Jeremy, now fully Aaryn’s puppet, launches into a loud speech about how he drank all the wine himself and condemning the others for their…judgement…of….Aaryn? Whatever you do, don’t think too hard about the internal logic of the argument Aaryn and Jeremy are making. Andy correctly assess the situation, but it’s Amanda who goes out to the hot tub to confront them, while Helen sobs back in the house. This is the most drama over wine since the last supper! Jeremy caps everything off by yelling at Amanda, “I’M CHEROKEE, I NEED A NEW TEEPEE!” Let’s move on.
-Amanda visits McCrae and wraps him around her finger in roughly 2 seconds. She’s still fairly convinced that he’s some kind of secret wall street millionaire. Sorry, Amanda, still a pizza boy. She strips down to her bra anyway, as a flabbergasted McCrae reacts with sheer terror. They end up kissing under the covers. GET SOME, PIZZA BOY!
-Aaryn, the spawn of satan, goes back to scheming. She is “sure” that David is safe. I am sure that I hate Aaryn very much.
-The Moving Company discusses the value of Elissa’s fan voting popularity, with Amanda (who is on fire right now) brilliantly summing her up as, “not the sharpest botox needle on the tray, but she IS related to one”. Spencer recently learned the term “weaponize” and is delighted he found a situation to say it, hatching a plan to bring Elissa into the alliance then manipulate her into nominating who they want. There is no way this will backfire, I’m sure of it.
-That means David is the target of the Moving Company, which is what Nick wanted all along. Jeremy is quickly on board, or so he claims. Spencer recruits Howard and McCrae on board. Things aren’t looking so hot for David, not that he would ever have the slighest idea. I’m not sure David knows what an “alliance” is.
-Julie interviews the crew and we learn nothing except that Judd CAN string together a sentence when he really puts his mind to it.
-So when the dust settles, Jessie, Elissa, and David are the three up for eviction. The three of them are allowed to make a final statement, and I’m sure they’ve spent all week preparing an impassioned defense of their actions and hahaha just kidding it’s just stupid people improvising. Jessie opens by wishing her dad a happy birthday and then transitions into the speech you’d give if you were suddenly resigning from your job. Elissa goes 0-for-3 in forming coherent sentences but sits down like she just delivered the Gettysburg Address. David, a master wordsmith, sums up his entire run on the show with the statement, “I’m pretty stand-up guy”.
Amanda and her cleavage vote for David. She’s my MVP this week.
Aaryn the racist witch votes for Elissa. The in-studio crowd booes her and her choice.
Nick votes for David.
Candice votes for Elissa.
Spencer, Moving Company kingpin, votes for David.
Kaitlin, enthralled by her “showmance” with Jeremy, votes for Elissa.
Helen, now recovered from her traumatic wine experience, takes great pleasure in voting for David.
Kind-hearted and under-the-radar Howard votes for David.
Ginamarie, who looks like someone who just found out she was fired from her job for making racist comments on a reality show, meekly votes for Elissa.
Perenially confused Judd votes for David.
Jeremy, the worst person in the world, votes for Elissa.
Andy, surprisingly watchable this week, votes for David.
-Julie announces the results: With 7 votes, DAVID is your first contestant eliminated!
-Excuse me while I celebrate with my own bottle of red wine. CRY AARYN, CRY! YOUR TEARS ARE SULFUR AND YOUR WORDS ARE BITTER WINE! Man, two weeks in and this show is already turning ME into a bad person.
-Now David steps out of the house for a live interview with Julie, and oh boy this ought to be good. David blames his own likability for being voted out, and claims he saw it coming. I find this hard to believe, considering I’m not 100% convinced that David ever realized he was on a television show. He talks wistfully about his love-at-first-sight with Aaryn, then quickly pivots to worrying that she voted to evict him (she didn’t). Julie, to the delight of the studio audience, notes that David is the first houseguest to never spell any word in the veto competition. I didn’t watch the veto competition, but now I wish I did.
-David watches videos of everyone saying goodbye to him. Amanda, capping off a tour de force performance this week, lays the smack down on Aaryn. Nick gloats about his alliance and that Jeremy secretly turned on David (actually, Jeremy didn’t). David appears baffled by the entire process.
-So the show’s over, right? NOPE! Time for a Head of Household competition. McCrae isn’t eligible, sadly sitting in a corner with only his button-up shirt to console him. It’s a 4th of July themed challenge, a fact that Judd inexplicably fist-pumps. I’m not going to lie, I don’t understand a single thing about how this contest works. The rules for this are more complicated than backgammon. How are the dummies in the house ever supposed to figure this out??
-The competition starts, and nope, nobody but Andy appears to have any clue what they’re doing. I guess everyone’s trying to fill up a big jar with barbecue sauce, one spoonful at a time. I literally could not think of a single thing that would be less interesting. On top of that, the sound is being dropped every five seconds, I assume because Ginamarie and Aaryn can’t stop yelling racial slurs.
-With everyone about 1/50th of the way through the challenge, the show ends. Um, what? Do all Big Brother episodes end this way? Well, I guess I’ll have to watch next week and find out! Until then.