by Guest Contributor London McGuire (@LondonMcGuire)
Cannibals are a pretty terrifying lot, for obvious reasons – they eat people. There are over 7 billion people on this planet and ANY one of them could have a taste for the flesh that speaks. You don’t want to be caught unprepared – especially when it comes to meeting new people. Don’t start dating or making friends until you’ve read some of these helpful hints.
1. Keep your eyes open for red flags
Does your friend have a strange sense of style? Perhaps there are a few too many skulls lying around their apartment. Or, maybe when you asked for a bowl of cereal, they handed it to you in a hollowed out skull! Do they use wordplay like “I could just eat you up” or “I can’t wait to have you for dinner” often? Who even speaks like that?! Watch for red flags if you want to avoid becoming the main course.
You can learn a lot about a person from the kinds of books and movies they keep around their house. Is your friend a huge Thomas Harris fan? Probably not too much cause for concern – some people find his work absolutely fascinating. It’s the same with the movies and the show. However, if you notice them ruminating on these stories…during dinner, well, you might want to find the exit before it’s too late.
3. Leave word when you leave the house
If you don’t leave word when you leave the house, how else are the authorities supposed to save you when you’re dinner date turns into a cannibal catastrophe? It’s been proven in fiction countless times – victims devoured while the world kept on turning. Don’t do the cannibals any favors. If you suspect, even for a second, that your date has a hankering for the other white meat, you’ll be glad you left word.
4. Be sure to stick with the herd
One thing you can always count on when it comes to cannibals and humanity as a whole, is that the man-eaters make up the minority. That doesn’t mean you get careless. Whether it’s a date or something a little more casual – make it a group thing if possible. Stick to the herd and your fingers won’t end up as finger food for the creepy carnivores.
5. If all else fails, taint the meat
Would you eat a burger that looked like someone sat on it? What about a burnt piece of toast? If you don’t want to whet a cannibal’s appetite, be as unappealing as possible. Taint the meat! If there was ever a good excuse to booze up, smoke up, and get your drugs on, it’s this! Of course, some cannibals are pickier than others, and sometimes even this won’t be enough.
Another thing to consider if it all seems so bothersome is to simply stay indoors. Lots of jobs offer you the option to telecommute and you can buy anything from cars to groceries online. So what if television is your only friend. If PBS can raise toddlers, you’ll get all the social stimulation you need in front of the tube. Consider the alternative…the cannibalistic conclusion.